In the beginning of my conversion I encountered a book worth a whopping $0.45 at the thrift shop. Super Health. When I skimmed it the first 10 or so times, my life barely looked like the prescribed methods of living, eating, and moving. So I was skeptical. How could this man have "all the answers"? Especially at time, when to be honest, I had all the answers ;).
After about 6 months of more research, I read it again. Most of what was written in this Super Health book seemed validated by a number of different resources. By that point I also had more experience in making lifestyle choices based on the promptings of God the Holy Spirit. Somehow I was still stubborn, oops! I mean skeptical.
After a full year, I read it again. I had to put that book down I was so mad!
For all that cycling and wavering and experimenting I was doing, all I found about Super healthy living went back to the methods in that first freakn' book I read! That I owned. That I could've been implementing the Entire time! But of course not. I had to be me. Accept defeat the long torturous way.
If you can read. If you want to be Super Healthy. If you even just want to know what healthy might look like, I recommend:
Super Health by Steven Pratt M.D. and Sharyn Kolberg
The world offers and packages WAY TOO MUCH. Don't be paralyzed by So Many Options. This is it. Approved by God the Holy Spirit. How do I know? Because in this book you learn to respect your body. To eat what your body actually needs to eat and exercise it the way it needs to be exercised. They also share ways to care for the environment, to keep your mind healthy and to help your body heal itself naturally. It is by no means the end all be all. Yet, it has so much of the truth that it IS worth your time and focus.
For the rest of my life, I will review this book when I'm off the mark and need to jog my memory on what Physical Health is. Truly!
Why is this SO important I would put it on my blog about spirituality? Well, I have been raising my beautiful children to seek the truth. To seek all that is good. To seek God and meet him where He is. Humans are spirit creatures And we have a body. Too many times I have sought to "purify" my spirit. How incomplete all my attempts have been because of the disrespect I have shown my body. Our spirit and our bodies are interwoven. We cannot live one without the other. We cannot discipline one without disciplining the other. Just because Jesus can redeem my body and soul whatever the debt, doesn't mean I should just continue to the run up the bill. There is real and immediate damage to our bodies and souls when we don't live the way God intended us to live. Yes, that means eating the right foods, exercising the right way, spending our time on things that are worthy and holy. Surrounding yourself with people that will help you stay focused on these Godly truths.
Now do I follow all these truths perfectly? I Wish! It is hard to have discipline, especially in such an undisciplined society. But Jesus experienced temptation and never wavered. I waver, but at least I know that He has been there and can help me through when I want His help. Everyday I get to practice a little more, and can resist more. This is just the warm up. A chance to create a little Heaven here on earth. I don't know about you, but I would rather my life be a little more like Heaven instead of more like Hell.
Wednesday, November 12, 2014
Endurance
There was a day back in September. A day that just hurt my head and my heart. A day when God the Creator, My Father, asked too much of me. Maybe over the course of a year all these changes and curve balls might have been manageable. But there were 5 absolutely and ridiculously gigantic changes that God asked of me and I Got Angry. Why me? Why now? Why all at the same freakin' time? Are you freakin' kidding me? My head was just spinning. I was nauseated with worry.
Now normally I agree with my husband who said, "Honey, it's Sunday, let's go to church." I couldn't. I was not public-capable. If anyone came up to me before or after church and asked me how our little family was doing, I didn't even want to think about how I would've reacted. The crazy would've found a way out somehow.
I felt this tug. This overwhelming need. Yes, Need. I needed to be out in the garden weeding. I needed to tend to my little plants. All I could picture, all could fathom was being out there with my shovel messing up some damn weeds. I knew the ache and the soreness that would follow. I knew the overwhelming drowsiness that would wash over me once I returned to my work in our family routine (dinner prep, dinner, dinner clean, bathtime, prayer time, go to sleep already! time). How hard it would be to muster enough energy to actually be nice to them after giving so much of myself to the garden. But I Had to.
It was there where I found Him. My body was working. My brain was turned off. I was alone. Except for the breeze. Then I heard the dirt. I heard the chirping of the crickets. I heard my breath. I heard life happening. Some of it happening bigger than me, while some of it was smaller than me. It was happening regardless. To me, because of me, around me, everywhere, regardless of me. Life was happening because of God. I was just one drop in the river of life. I flowed and followed the course with the rest of life, in my little corner of the world. It wasn't until I surrendered and flowed with life that I found peace. I had to let go of my own expectations and stipulations about what life is. My perspective doesn't matter in that way. What matters is what God intends life to be. We can either find the rhythm or we can continue feeling completely and utterly out of sync. I gave up myself so I could participate in the river of life. Which is where I found myself. The self that God intended me to be. To cope the way I was meant to cope. To love the way I was meant to love. To forgive the way I was meant to forgive. And to endure.
To endure because of God. To endure regardless of my situation.
Friday, August 29, 2014
Gardening
So, first on the list of things I Never thought I would do, like EVER, Gardening.
God the Holy Spirit revealed this love for our environment to me around 2 years ago. Realistically I hated all that plant biology of my past. And realistically who has time for all those dang weeds? But it's about More than that.
God the Creator has left His mark IN EVERY LIVING THING.
I originally got on the gardening kick because of finances. How on earth was I going to afford to eat fresh, organic fruits and vegetables if I didn't grow the darn things myself?!!! I must admit, I dragged my feet. But eventually, I came around because my family's health is worth it.
I started weeding the backyard. As I stood there drenched in sweat, my hands aching, and my back already tightening up, here my daughters were frolicking and giggling in the spring breeze. My younger daughter had this ritual of just bathing herself in the dirt. Her face was aglow and her hair was shimmering in the morning sunlight. I walked into the house with a big ole goofy grin with my heart resounding over their innocence and their energy. My body was hurting, but my Soul was Alive. Then came the experimentation with our seeds and we Prayed for Something to pop out of that way too expensive potting soil. Oh the excitement of our first little tomato and zucchini sprouts. I kid you not, the joy in my heart over something so small was just so Real and so Addicting.
God the Creator has left His mark IN EVERY LIVING THING.
I used to believe plants were So different from humans, why should I study them and their life cycle? Boring! This coming from the wannabe doctor who was so obsessed with the beauty of human anatomy and the healing power of the body. But no really, the process itself is So amazing to watch and participate in. Reaping. Sowing. Waiting. Harvesting. Gratitude.
Because God the Holy Spirit gave me new eyes to enjoy the blessing of our garden, I was able to experience God the Father/Creator. In nature is where we find and participate in a relationship with God the Creator. Through our own life cycle and families we find and participate in a relationship with God the Creator. I thought that plants were so different, and maybe less important to God, but NO, He looked at His creation and said it was Good. Good means Holy. Good means Godly. It's not just reserved for us Humans. We are not the only life that is a reflection of Him.
People have asked me how I became such a "green thumb" and I tell them it's because I talk to my plants. I encourage them and tell them what I hope they will grow for me. I could be wrong but I think it matters. My plants survive with water and sunlight (needs). But my plants really Thrive when I give them my time and visit them daily and encourage them. Weird, yes I know. But it's so great for MY soul, for MY life as well. They are a blessing to me.
He is waiting. He is calling out to Us. He is there waiting for Us in nature. 5 minutes a day is all it takes sometimes. To just breathe Him in. Just to enjoy Him. To smile at Him. To marvel at Him. Some call her "mother nature". That's fine too. But we are called. ALL of us. (hint: Universal Truth)
Every Blade Of Grass Has An Angel
That Bends Over It And Whispers...
"Grow, Grow"
The Talmud
God the Holy Spirit revealed this love for our environment to me around 2 years ago. Realistically I hated all that plant biology of my past. And realistically who has time for all those dang weeds? But it's about More than that.
God the Creator has left His mark IN EVERY LIVING THING.
I originally got on the gardening kick because of finances. How on earth was I going to afford to eat fresh, organic fruits and vegetables if I didn't grow the darn things myself?!!! I must admit, I dragged my feet. But eventually, I came around because my family's health is worth it.
I started weeding the backyard. As I stood there drenched in sweat, my hands aching, and my back already tightening up, here my daughters were frolicking and giggling in the spring breeze. My younger daughter had this ritual of just bathing herself in the dirt. Her face was aglow and her hair was shimmering in the morning sunlight. I walked into the house with a big ole goofy grin with my heart resounding over their innocence and their energy. My body was hurting, but my Soul was Alive. Then came the experimentation with our seeds and we Prayed for Something to pop out of that way too expensive potting soil. Oh the excitement of our first little tomato and zucchini sprouts. I kid you not, the joy in my heart over something so small was just so Real and so Addicting.
God the Creator has left His mark IN EVERY LIVING THING.
I used to believe plants were So different from humans, why should I study them and their life cycle? Boring! This coming from the wannabe doctor who was so obsessed with the beauty of human anatomy and the healing power of the body. But no really, the process itself is So amazing to watch and participate in. Reaping. Sowing. Waiting. Harvesting. Gratitude.
Because God the Holy Spirit gave me new eyes to enjoy the blessing of our garden, I was able to experience God the Father/Creator. In nature is where we find and participate in a relationship with God the Creator. Through our own life cycle and families we find and participate in a relationship with God the Creator. I thought that plants were so different, and maybe less important to God, but NO, He looked at His creation and said it was Good. Good means Holy. Good means Godly. It's not just reserved for us Humans. We are not the only life that is a reflection of Him.
People have asked me how I became such a "green thumb" and I tell them it's because I talk to my plants. I encourage them and tell them what I hope they will grow for me. I could be wrong but I think it matters. My plants survive with water and sunlight (needs). But my plants really Thrive when I give them my time and visit them daily and encourage them. Weird, yes I know. But it's so great for MY soul, for MY life as well. They are a blessing to me.
He is waiting. He is calling out to Us. He is there waiting for Us in nature. 5 minutes a day is all it takes sometimes. To just breathe Him in. Just to enjoy Him. To smile at Him. To marvel at Him. Some call her "mother nature". That's fine too. But we are called. ALL of us. (hint: Universal Truth)
Every Blade Of Grass Has An Angel
That Bends Over It And Whispers...
"Grow, Grow"
The Talmud
The DISCLAIMER our world Needs
So for anyone who continues to read this blog I have some important news for You. Please keep an open mind and an open heart. I am going to attempt through this blog to share my faith and my conversion because that is what the Holy Spirit is prompting me to do. If what I share here is Too controversial and Too conservative and Too religious for you, please do not leave comments lecturing me about my faith and my beliefs. If you would like to start a conversation, please feel free to email ME, yes Just Me, at any point and I will be happy to read your arguments against what I say. This is MY blog and MY version of the story of life. Feel free to start your own blog if you feel so compelled to share Yours.
That being said, there is truth here in this world. I have been listening to God Himself revealing to me on a personal basis some of these truths that I somehow missed in my pre-children "life education". He is trying to speak to You too. Maybe you are already good at hearing Him and living the life that He is calling you to. Maybe not. The Holy Spirit has been calling me to work on this blog for about 1-2 years now, but I have been such a chicken and didn't want to share on such a public forum my innermost thoughts. But it's never too late to do God's Will. He doesn't worry about time the way we do.
This blog is meant to help inspire good listening. The kind of listening that God needs Us to practice so that we can be His hands and feet here on earth. In this blog, I will Not tell you how to live. Yes, I do share some hard truths about what I think God has revealed to Me about what He wants for MY life. Yes, I do believe some of those truths about God's will are universal. God the Creator had something very specific in mind for the best life and our human potential. But I am in No Way telling you that you need to change your own life. Your life is not my responsibility. God will tell you and inspire your thinking with or without my help.
However, I am called to help win people for His kingdom. God did not bless me with the ability to debate or persuade or even write clearly. He has helped me to be a good listener. I'm still working on the following directions part. I'm hoping that through my blog and the many God-inspired things I do in my life, I will model how to be a good listener and follower of God's Will. That's it.
Now, if You read something and feel concerned or feel uncomfortable, I would love to hear what You have to say. I am fallible. I will make mistakes. I'm not afraid to make mistakes and I'm not afraid to backtrack, analyze, and apologize. I'm not afraid to move forward and let go of my mistakes. In fact, all the mistakes of my past have helped bring me to where I am in my spirituality. I hope I am maturing and progressing. Part of maturity means that I should be able to accept my strengths AND my weaknesses. But out of respect and Your maturity, please do not call me out and try to hurt me on my own blog. I will do my best, but as we know well, all men/women fall short of the greatness of God.
Peace be to You. May this blog bring you peace. And joy. And love.
That being said, there is truth here in this world. I have been listening to God Himself revealing to me on a personal basis some of these truths that I somehow missed in my pre-children "life education". He is trying to speak to You too. Maybe you are already good at hearing Him and living the life that He is calling you to. Maybe not. The Holy Spirit has been calling me to work on this blog for about 1-2 years now, but I have been such a chicken and didn't want to share on such a public forum my innermost thoughts. But it's never too late to do God's Will. He doesn't worry about time the way we do.
This blog is meant to help inspire good listening. The kind of listening that God needs Us to practice so that we can be His hands and feet here on earth. In this blog, I will Not tell you how to live. Yes, I do share some hard truths about what I think God has revealed to Me about what He wants for MY life. Yes, I do believe some of those truths about God's will are universal. God the Creator had something very specific in mind for the best life and our human potential. But I am in No Way telling you that you need to change your own life. Your life is not my responsibility. God will tell you and inspire your thinking with or without my help.
However, I am called to help win people for His kingdom. God did not bless me with the ability to debate or persuade or even write clearly. He has helped me to be a good listener. I'm still working on the following directions part. I'm hoping that through my blog and the many God-inspired things I do in my life, I will model how to be a good listener and follower of God's Will. That's it.
Now, if You read something and feel concerned or feel uncomfortable, I would love to hear what You have to say. I am fallible. I will make mistakes. I'm not afraid to make mistakes and I'm not afraid to backtrack, analyze, and apologize. I'm not afraid to move forward and let go of my mistakes. In fact, all the mistakes of my past have helped bring me to where I am in my spirituality. I hope I am maturing and progressing. Part of maturity means that I should be able to accept my strengths AND my weaknesses. But out of respect and Your maturity, please do not call me out and try to hurt me on my own blog. I will do my best, but as we know well, all men/women fall short of the greatness of God.
Peace be to You. May this blog bring you peace. And joy. And love.
Thank You Jesus
Thank You Jesus for all the time you have given to me while my heart has been aching and my head has been a little CrAzY. The Holy Spirit has been talking so fast and inspiring so much, but now I think I know where to go from here.
You're welcome. Thank you for coming here first with your thoughts and feelings. I'm sorry that I am not in my Human form to bring you the comfort that you are looking for.
That's okay my friend. Jesus I trust in you. Thank you.
You're welcome. Thank you for coming here first with your thoughts and feelings. I'm sorry that I am not in my Human form to bring you the comfort that you are looking for.
That's okay my friend. Jesus I trust in you. Thank you.
Wednesday, August 6, 2014
God Deserves Better
Okay. So we left off on bad habits and patterns. I am wondering why you deem some of your habits "bad".
Well, God has clearly said, He above all should be the ruler and guide and love of my life. He wants a personal relationship with me, His daughter. In any relationship there is a give and take. If God is All that is Good and All that is Holy, then everything that I receive/take from Him is Good. I am only human and even at my best, I still cannot return to God the beauty that he has given me. God is the Ultimate Love Expert.
If I am to have a healthy relationship with God, then that means that I am called to be the best version of myself. He gives the best of Himself, why would I give him crap in return? Why would I give him only half of myself when He wants to give Himself so fully? Why would I give to my husband and my children and other members of my family and friends, but not to my God who has given me all things and all people in my life? The nature of God is so Perfect, that Him calling us into a relationship with Him means that He expects our best. He hopes for our best.
It's the same with my own children. I as their mother, have given my children everything. Have poured out time, talents, treasures and have used every part of my being to give them life and love. I do not expect them to be perfect. I do not expect them to know how to love and sacrifice themselves so fully for me. I do not expect them to listen and obey to all my guidance. I just want them to try, for me, for our relationship to give their best. To learn how to do better. To learn how to grow and change and fix their mistakes. To align their thinking to truth. To be healthy and prosperous.
My Father is telling me, "You are listening, but you are not doing what I have told you to do."
I feel like I've learned all these patterns of thinking, and ways of acting, that helped me to find success in my American life. Then, I asked for conversion and spiritual adoption into God's family. God keeps gently nudging me to ask and research and find Him and seek His truths. After all, if I want Him to be my daddy then I should live under His rules and expectations right?
Easier said than done. This is where I am struggling, Big Time. It is so hard to let go. It is so hard to not feel "normal". I have spent the last 20 something years of my life aligning my life and my views to a "normal" life that God is now saying is not what He wants for me. Such "normal" "acceptable" everyday habits that nobody would really say are "bad", ARE ABSOLUTELY UNACCEPTABLE in God's eyes.
Some of my actions are "bad" because I am learning to listen to God, and He deems them "bad".
You have mentioned already that "It is so hard to let go." Can you elaborate?
I'm grieving the loss of my previous lifestyle. I joke with my husband about needing an easy button in this new life, because it is so difficult to do even every day things. There is so much thinking involved in how I eat, how I spend my time, how I spend my money, how I treat people around me, how I give myself, how I sleep or don't sleep, how I relax and have fun. It all has to be so different now. I keep hearing, "I said it would be Good, I didn't say it would be Easy." Well, I've had Easy for so long, I cringe that Easy is sometimes just plain-ole wrong. I just want Easy! I know that one day these "holy habits" will come more naturally through practice and experience, but I am trying to stop a train that has been moving and gaining speed for almost 30 years. Sometimes I feel like I'll never get it right.
Then again, I know God's love. His kind of love understands that I don't need to get it all right. His kind of love is patient and forgiving. His kind of love just needs to know that I'm giving it my best shot. That His love for me is influencing my life and in return is producing a great love for Him.
It is very difficult to have a foot in both worlds. I'm trying to let go of the American way and live a life that can be worthy of God's family. The world can only offer me half-truths most of the time. I'm finally realizing after all this time, I Can't Have Both.
How do you feel now that you have come to the crossroads?
I am afraid. But I have to say yes anyway. I want to say yes anyway. God is calling me to Better. I want Better. Better for myself, better for my husband, better for my kids. Better because that is what God wants for me. His road is Better. He created us, so He knows us the way we Really work. What is Really Better for us. What we were meant to be. He knows the best version of us and calls us to that. He also knows us at our worst and still accepts and loves us so fully anyway. I want to be Better. God deserves Better.
Well, God has clearly said, He above all should be the ruler and guide and love of my life. He wants a personal relationship with me, His daughter. In any relationship there is a give and take. If God is All that is Good and All that is Holy, then everything that I receive/take from Him is Good. I am only human and even at my best, I still cannot return to God the beauty that he has given me. God is the Ultimate Love Expert.
If I am to have a healthy relationship with God, then that means that I am called to be the best version of myself. He gives the best of Himself, why would I give him crap in return? Why would I give him only half of myself when He wants to give Himself so fully? Why would I give to my husband and my children and other members of my family and friends, but not to my God who has given me all things and all people in my life? The nature of God is so Perfect, that Him calling us into a relationship with Him means that He expects our best. He hopes for our best.
It's the same with my own children. I as their mother, have given my children everything. Have poured out time, talents, treasures and have used every part of my being to give them life and love. I do not expect them to be perfect. I do not expect them to know how to love and sacrifice themselves so fully for me. I do not expect them to listen and obey to all my guidance. I just want them to try, for me, for our relationship to give their best. To learn how to do better. To learn how to grow and change and fix their mistakes. To align their thinking to truth. To be healthy and prosperous.
My Father is telling me, "You are listening, but you are not doing what I have told you to do."
I feel like I've learned all these patterns of thinking, and ways of acting, that helped me to find success in my American life. Then, I asked for conversion and spiritual adoption into God's family. God keeps gently nudging me to ask and research and find Him and seek His truths. After all, if I want Him to be my daddy then I should live under His rules and expectations right?
Easier said than done. This is where I am struggling, Big Time. It is so hard to let go. It is so hard to not feel "normal". I have spent the last 20 something years of my life aligning my life and my views to a "normal" life that God is now saying is not what He wants for me. Such "normal" "acceptable" everyday habits that nobody would really say are "bad", ARE ABSOLUTELY UNACCEPTABLE in God's eyes.
Some of my actions are "bad" because I am learning to listen to God, and He deems them "bad".
You have mentioned already that "It is so hard to let go." Can you elaborate?
I'm grieving the loss of my previous lifestyle. I joke with my husband about needing an easy button in this new life, because it is so difficult to do even every day things. There is so much thinking involved in how I eat, how I spend my time, how I spend my money, how I treat people around me, how I give myself, how I sleep or don't sleep, how I relax and have fun. It all has to be so different now. I keep hearing, "I said it would be Good, I didn't say it would be Easy." Well, I've had Easy for so long, I cringe that Easy is sometimes just plain-ole wrong. I just want Easy! I know that one day these "holy habits" will come more naturally through practice and experience, but I am trying to stop a train that has been moving and gaining speed for almost 30 years. Sometimes I feel like I'll never get it right.
Then again, I know God's love. His kind of love understands that I don't need to get it all right. His kind of love is patient and forgiving. His kind of love just needs to know that I'm giving it my best shot. That His love for me is influencing my life and in return is producing a great love for Him.
It is very difficult to have a foot in both worlds. I'm trying to let go of the American way and live a life that can be worthy of God's family. The world can only offer me half-truths most of the time. I'm finally realizing after all this time, I Can't Have Both.
How do you feel now that you have come to the crossroads?
I am afraid. But I have to say yes anyway. I want to say yes anyway. God is calling me to Better. I want Better. Better for myself, better for my husband, better for my kids. Better because that is what God wants for me. His road is Better. He created us, so He knows us the way we Really work. What is Really Better for us. What we were meant to be. He knows the best version of us and calls us to that. He also knows us at our worst and still accepts and loves us so fully anyway. I want to be Better. God deserves Better.
Sunday, August 3, 2014
Just Jump
It's good to see you back again. You have shared so much with me already.
Yes, here I am. I'm feeling a little calmer today. Not so overwhelmed by life.
That is great to hear. I hope that our time will help continue your peace, but I do feel like I need to ask you questions that will help you gain perspective. Are you ready to start?
Of course! Bring on the perspective.
You've said a couple times now that you feel crazy sometimes. In fact, you call yourself That Crazy Catholic. I'm wondering what you think it means to be Crazy.
Ok. Hmmmm.
I think crazy to me means that I feel a lack of control. I want God to be in control, but that means I have to do things that I really don't want to do even if it is right. I understand this lack of control is a Good thing, but doing something without having a clue as how to act, to just jump in before everyone else or not having a model is really hard. My models are so perfect and I'm hearing stories about their lives after the fact. Not in the midst. Plus, a Single God-in-Human-Form doing public Ministry then Surrendering His Life on a Cross is sort of a hard act to follow. My life just doesn't look like that.
I think Crazy is really coming from my lack of confidence in my ideas and choices. I don't always know that what I am doing is going to be pleasing to God at the level that I am operating, and I know it definitely isn't pleasing to my family and some of my friends around me. I'm so hardwired to measure success in terms of an academic setting with grades and praise, or even in the work world with money and promotions. It's very hard to know internally that what I'm doing is Right and Good, when externally I get so many weird looks and negative comments. And by the end of the day, I can't always accomplish what I set out to do. It's so hard to have God saying, "do X, Y, and Z" but not, "do X, Y and Z at this time or only every other day". There are no guidelines and there is so much to do in a day. And frankly sometimes I'm just too tired.
Crazy comes from wanting to get things right, but not really knowing what right is. Not just in theory. Relativism has invaded our society on Every level of thinking. But there is truth out there. Not just truth from her perspective and truth from his perspective and from their perspective. Real truth. I don't have the confidence or practice yet to identify Real truth all the time. Someone I talk to about life will raise all these questions or criticisms and I don't always know how to defend myself. Or I will feel so compelled that something Is truth, and nobody else around me seems to know it. Or even worse, They or I don't really want it to be true. I'll find myself wishing that it was not Real truth so that my course of action would be Easier.
Are there any times that you Don't feel crazy? What do those days look like?
That's funny. The days I feel least crazy are the days I say "F" it. I'm going to do what I'm going to do. I embrace the crazy and do exactly what I think God is asking me to do, and I don't care what anyone is going to say. I push. As hard as I possibly can. It almost never feels good while I'm doing it. Yet after I WORK my BUTT OFF, there is "fruit".
It's those days when I get feedback from older Catholics adults. Even my older daughter will repeat a phrase or prayer or something we've experienced, and I just get overcome with goosebumps. There is a wave of spiritual energy that brings joy. Then I sleep the best because I've literally given everything of myself.
So you mean to tell me that when you jump in, that's when you find joy?
Yeah, I guess so.
Do you think God smiles down on you on those days?
Yes, probably. But those days are so few and far between. I get so wiped out because I have to be So Intentional to counter my bad habits and negative thinking. I have such bad patterns it's hard to act differently.
Maybe we should save bad habits and patterns for the next time. For now, let's end here. Why don't you picture your Heavenly Father smiling down on you for being here right now. For listening to him. For wanting to change. There are not a lot of people out there willing to go through a conversion for God. Your Father is pleased with You. He said it would be Good, He didn't say it would be Easy.
Yes, here I am. I'm feeling a little calmer today. Not so overwhelmed by life.
That is great to hear. I hope that our time will help continue your peace, but I do feel like I need to ask you questions that will help you gain perspective. Are you ready to start?
Of course! Bring on the perspective.
You've said a couple times now that you feel crazy sometimes. In fact, you call yourself That Crazy Catholic. I'm wondering what you think it means to be Crazy.
Ok. Hmmmm.
I think crazy to me means that I feel a lack of control. I want God to be in control, but that means I have to do things that I really don't want to do even if it is right. I understand this lack of control is a Good thing, but doing something without having a clue as how to act, to just jump in before everyone else or not having a model is really hard. My models are so perfect and I'm hearing stories about their lives after the fact. Not in the midst. Plus, a Single God-in-Human-Form doing public Ministry then Surrendering His Life on a Cross is sort of a hard act to follow. My life just doesn't look like that.
I think Crazy is really coming from my lack of confidence in my ideas and choices. I don't always know that what I am doing is going to be pleasing to God at the level that I am operating, and I know it definitely isn't pleasing to my family and some of my friends around me. I'm so hardwired to measure success in terms of an academic setting with grades and praise, or even in the work world with money and promotions. It's very hard to know internally that what I'm doing is Right and Good, when externally I get so many weird looks and negative comments. And by the end of the day, I can't always accomplish what I set out to do. It's so hard to have God saying, "do X, Y, and Z" but not, "do X, Y and Z at this time or only every other day". There are no guidelines and there is so much to do in a day. And frankly sometimes I'm just too tired.
Crazy comes from wanting to get things right, but not really knowing what right is. Not just in theory. Relativism has invaded our society on Every level of thinking. But there is truth out there. Not just truth from her perspective and truth from his perspective and from their perspective. Real truth. I don't have the confidence or practice yet to identify Real truth all the time. Someone I talk to about life will raise all these questions or criticisms and I don't always know how to defend myself. Or I will feel so compelled that something Is truth, and nobody else around me seems to know it. Or even worse, They or I don't really want it to be true. I'll find myself wishing that it was not Real truth so that my course of action would be Easier.
Are there any times that you Don't feel crazy? What do those days look like?
That's funny. The days I feel least crazy are the days I say "F" it. I'm going to do what I'm going to do. I embrace the crazy and do exactly what I think God is asking me to do, and I don't care what anyone is going to say. I push. As hard as I possibly can. It almost never feels good while I'm doing it. Yet after I WORK my BUTT OFF, there is "fruit".
It's those days when I get feedback from older Catholics adults. Even my older daughter will repeat a phrase or prayer or something we've experienced, and I just get overcome with goosebumps. There is a wave of spiritual energy that brings joy. Then I sleep the best because I've literally given everything of myself.
So you mean to tell me that when you jump in, that's when you find joy?
Yeah, I guess so.
Do you think God smiles down on you on those days?
Yes, probably. But those days are so few and far between. I get so wiped out because I have to be So Intentional to counter my bad habits and negative thinking. I have such bad patterns it's hard to act differently.
Maybe we should save bad habits and patterns for the next time. For now, let's end here. Why don't you picture your Heavenly Father smiling down on you for being here right now. For listening to him. For wanting to change. There are not a lot of people out there willing to go through a conversion for God. Your Father is pleased with You. He said it would be Good, He didn't say it would be Easy.
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