Endurance

There was a day back in September. A day that just hurt my head and my heart. A day when God the Creator, My Father, asked too much of me. Maybe over the course of a year all these changes and curve balls might have been manageable. But there were 5 absolutely and ridiculously gigantic changes that God asked of me and I Got Angry. Why me? Why now? Why all at the same freakin' time? Are you freakin' kidding me? My head was just spinning. I was nauseated with worry. 

Now normally I agree with my husband who said, "Honey, it's Sunday, let's go to church." I couldn't. I was not public-capable. If anyone came up to me before or after church and asked me how our little family was doing, I didn't even want to think about how I would've reacted. The crazy would've found a way out somehow.

I felt this tug. This overwhelming need. Yes, Need. I needed to be out in the garden weeding. I needed to tend to my little plants. All I could picture, all could fathom was being out there with my shovel messing up some damn weeds. I knew the ache and the soreness that would follow. I knew the overwhelming drowsiness that would wash over me once I returned to my work in our family routine (dinner prep, dinner, dinner clean, bathtime, prayer time, go to sleep already! time). How hard it would be to muster enough energy to actually be nice to them after giving so much of myself to the garden. But I Had to. 

It was there where I found Him. My body was working. My brain was turned off. I was alone. Except for the breeze. Then I heard the dirt. I heard the chirping of the crickets. I heard my breath. I heard life happening. Some of it happening bigger than me, while some of it was smaller than me. It was happening regardless. To me, because of me, around me, everywhere, regardless of me. Life was happening because of God. I was just one drop in the river of life. I flowed and followed the course with the rest of life, in my little corner of the world. It wasn't until I surrendered and flowed with life that I found peace. I had to let go of my own expectations and stipulations about what life is. My perspective doesn't matter in that way. What matters is what God intends life to be. We can either find the rhythm or we can continue feeling completely and utterly out of sync. I gave up myself so I could participate in the river of life. Which is where I found myself. The self that God intended me to be. To cope the way I was meant to cope. To love the way I was meant to love. To forgive the way I was meant to forgive. And to endure.

To endure because of God. To endure regardless of my situation.

Gardening

So, first on the list of things I Never thought I would do, like EVER, Gardening.

God the Holy Spirit revealed this love for our environment to me around 2 years ago. Realistically I hated all that plant biology of my past. And realistically who has time for all those dang weeds? But it's about More than that.

God the Creator has left His mark IN EVERY LIVING THING.

I originally got on the gardening kick because of finances. How on earth was I going to afford to eat fresh, organic fruits and vegetables if I didn't grow the darn things myself?!!! I must admit, I dragged my feet. But eventually, I came around because my family's health is worth it.

I started weeding the backyard. As I stood there drenched in sweat, my hands aching, and my back already tightening up, here my daughters were frolicking and giggling in the spring breeze. My younger daughter had this ritual of just bathing herself in the dirt. Her face was aglow and her hair was shimmering in the morning sunlight. I walked into the house with a big ole goofy grin with my heart resounding over their innocence and their energy. My body was hurting, but my Soul was Alive. Then came the experimentation with our seeds and we Prayed for Something to pop out of that way too expensive potting soil. Oh the excitement of our first little tomato and zucchini sprouts. I kid you not, the joy in my heart over something so small was just so Real and so Addicting.

God the Creator has left His mark IN EVERY LIVING THING.

I used to believe plants were So different from humans, why should I study them and their life cycle? Boring! This coming from the wannabe doctor who was so obsessed with the beauty of human anatomy and the healing power of the body. But no really, the process itself is So amazing to watch and participate in. Reaping. Sowing. Waiting. Harvesting. Gratitude.

Because God the Holy Spirit gave me new eyes to enjoy the blessing of our garden, I was able to experience God the Father/Creator. In nature is where we find and participate in a relationship with God the Creator. Through our own life cycle and families we find and participate in a relationship with God the Creator. I thought that plants were so different, and maybe less important to God, but NO, He looked at His creation and said it was Good. Good means Holy. Good means Godly. It's not just reserved for us Humans. We are not the only life that is a reflection of Him.

People have asked me how I became such a "green thumb" and I tell them it's because I talk to my plants. I encourage them and tell them what I hope they will grow for me. I could be wrong but I think it matters. My plants survive with water and sunlight (needs). But my plants really Thrive when I give them my time and visit them daily and encourage them. Weird, yes I know. But it's so great for MY soul, for MY life as well. They are a blessing to me.

He is waiting.  He is calling out to Us. He is there waiting for Us in nature. 5 minutes a day is all it takes sometimes. To just breathe Him in. Just to enjoy Him. To smile at Him. To marvel at Him. Some call her "mother nature". That's fine too. But we are called. ALL of us. (hint: Universal Truth)

Every Blade Of Grass Has An Angel
That Bends Over It And Whispers...
"Grow, Grow"
The Talmud

The DISCLAIMER our world Needs

So for anyone who continues to read this blog I have some important news for You. Please keep an open mind and an open heart. I am going to attempt through this blog to share my faith and my conversion because that is what the Holy Spirit is prompting me to do. If what I share here is Too controversial and Too conservative and Too religious for you, please do not leave comments lecturing me about my faith and my beliefs. If you would like to start a conversation, please feel free to email ME, yes Just Me, at any point and I will be happy to read your arguments against what I say. This is MY blog and MY version of the story of life. Feel free to start your own blog if you feel so compelled to share Yours.

That being said, there is truth here in this world. I have been listening to God Himself revealing to me on a personal basis some of these truths that I somehow missed in my pre-children "life education". He is trying to speak to You too. Maybe you are already good at hearing Him and living the life that He is calling you to. Maybe not. The Holy Spirit has been calling me to work on this blog for about 1-2 years now, but I have been such a chicken and didn't want to share on such a public forum my innermost thoughts. But it's never too late to do God's Will. He doesn't worry about time the way we do.

This blog is meant to help inspire good listening. The kind of listening that God needs Us to practice so that we can be His hands and feet here on earth. In this blog, I will Not tell you how to live. Yes, I do share some hard truths about what I think God has revealed to Me about what He wants for MY life. Yes, I do believe some of those truths about God's will are universal. God the Creator had something very specific in mind for the best life and our human potential. But I am in No Way telling you that you need to change your own life. Your life is not my responsibility. God will tell you and inspire your thinking with or without my help.

However, I am called to help win people for His kingdom. God did not bless me with the ability to debate or persuade or even write clearly. He has helped me to be a good listener. I'm still working on the following directions part. I'm hoping that through my blog and the many God-inspired things I do in my life, I will model how to be a good listener and follower of God's Will. That's it.

Now, if You read something and feel concerned or feel uncomfortable, I would love to hear what You have to say. I am fallible. I will make mistakes. I'm not afraid to make mistakes and I'm not afraid to backtrack, analyze, and apologize. I'm not afraid to move forward and let go of my mistakes. In fact, all the mistakes of my past have helped bring me to where I am in my spirituality. I hope I am maturing and progressing. Part of maturity means that I should be able to accept my strengths AND my weaknesses.  But out of respect and Your maturity, please do not call me out and try to hurt me on my own blog. I will do my best, but as we know well, all men/women fall short of the greatness of God.

Peace be to You. May this blog bring you peace. And joy. And love.

Thank You Jesus

Thank You Jesus for all the time you have given to me while my heart has been aching and my head has been a little CrAzY. The Holy Spirit has been talking so fast and inspiring so much, but now I think I know where to go from here.

You're welcome. Thank you for coming here first with your thoughts and feelings. I'm sorry that I am not in my Human form to bring you the comfort that you are looking for.

That's okay my friend. Jesus I trust in you. Thank you.

God Deserves Better

Okay. So we left off on bad habits and patterns. I am wondering why you deem some of your habits "bad".

Well, God has clearly said, He above all should be the ruler and guide and love of my life. He wants a personal relationship with me, His daughter. In any relationship there is a give and take. If God is All that is Good and All that is Holy, then everything that I receive/take from Him is Good. I am only human and even at my best, I still cannot return to God the beauty that he has given me. God is the Ultimate Love Expert.

If I am to have a healthy relationship with God, then that means that I am called to be the best version of myself. He gives the best of Himself, why would I give him crap in return? Why would I give him only half of myself when He wants to give Himself so fully? Why would I give to my husband and my children and other members of my family and friends, but not to my God who has given me all things and all people in my life? The nature of God is so Perfect, that Him calling us into a relationship with Him means that He expects our best. He hopes for our best.

It's the same with my own children. I as their mother, have given my children everything. Have poured out time, talents, treasures and have used every part of my being to give them life and love. I do not expect them to be perfect. I do not expect them to know how to love and sacrifice themselves so fully for me. I do not expect them to listen and obey to all my guidance. I just want them to try, for me, for our relationship to give their best. To learn how to do better. To learn how to grow and change and fix their mistakes. To align their thinking to truth. To be healthy and prosperous.

My Father is telling me, "You are listening, but you are not doing what I have told you to do."

I feel like I've learned all these patterns of thinking, and ways of acting, that helped me to find success in my American life. Then, I asked for conversion and spiritual adoption into God's family. God keeps gently nudging me to ask and research and find Him and seek His truths. After all, if I want Him to be my daddy then I should live under His rules and expectations right?

Easier said than done. This is where I am struggling, Big Time. It is so hard to let go. It is so hard to not feel "normal". I have spent the last 20 something years of my life aligning my life and my views to a "normal" life that God is now saying is not what He wants for me. Such "normal" "acceptable" everyday habits that nobody would really say are "bad", ARE ABSOLUTELY UNACCEPTABLE in God's eyes.

Some of my actions are "bad" because I am learning to listen to God, and He deems them "bad".

You have mentioned already that "It is so hard to let go." Can you elaborate?

I'm grieving the loss of my previous lifestyle. I joke with my husband about needing an easy button in this new life, because it is so difficult to do even every day things. There is so much thinking involved in how I eat, how I spend my time, how I spend my money, how I treat people around me, how I give myself, how I sleep or don't sleep, how I relax and have fun. It all has to be so different now. I keep hearing, "I said it would be Good, I didn't say it would be Easy." Well, I've had Easy for so long, I cringe that Easy is sometimes just plain-ole wrong. I just want Easy! I know that one day these "holy habits" will come more naturally through practice and experience, but I am trying to stop a train that has been moving and gaining speed for almost 30 years. Sometimes I feel like I'll never get it right.

Then again, I know God's love. His kind of love understands that I don't need to get it all right. His kind of love is patient and forgiving. His kind of love just needs to know that I'm giving it my best shot. That His love for me is influencing my life and in return is producing a great love for Him.

It is very difficult to have a foot in both worlds. I'm trying to let go of the American way and live a life that can be worthy of God's family. The world can only offer me half-truths most of the time. I'm finally realizing after all this time, I Can't Have Both.

How do you feel now that you have come to the crossroads?

I am afraid. But I have to say yes anyway. I want to say yes anyway. God is calling me to Better. I want Better. Better for myself, better for my husband, better for my kids. Better because that is what God wants for me. His road is Better. He created us, so He knows us the way we Really work. What is Really Better for us. What we were meant to be. He knows the best version of us and calls us to that. He also knows us at our worst and still accepts and loves us so fully anyway. I want to be Better. God deserves Better.

Just Jump

It's good to see you back again. You have shared so much with me already.

Yes, here I am. I'm feeling a little calmer today. Not so overwhelmed by life.

That is great to hear. I hope that our time will help continue your peace, but I do feel like I need to ask you questions that will help you gain perspective. Are you ready to start?

Of course! Bring on the perspective.

You've said a couple times now that you feel crazy sometimes. In fact, you call yourself That Crazy Catholic. I'm wondering what you think it means to be Crazy.

Ok. Hmmmm.

I think crazy to me means that I feel a lack of control. I want God to be in control, but that means I have to do things that I really don't want to do even if it is right. I understand this lack of control is a Good thing, but doing something without having a clue as how to act, to just jump in before everyone else or not having a model is really hard. My models are so perfect and I'm hearing stories about their lives after the fact. Not in the midst. Plus, a Single God-in-Human-Form doing public Ministry then Surrendering His Life on a Cross is sort of a hard act to follow. My life just doesn't look like that.

I think Crazy is really coming from my lack of confidence in my ideas and choices. I don't always know that what I am doing is going to be pleasing to God at the level that I am operating, and I know it definitely isn't pleasing to my family and some of my friends around me. I'm so hardwired to measure success in terms of an academic setting with grades and praise, or even in the work world with money and promotions. It's very hard to know internally that what I'm doing is Right and Good, when externally I get so many weird looks and negative comments. And by the end of the day, I can't always accomplish what I set out to do. It's so hard to have God saying, "do X, Y, and Z" but not, "do X, Y and Z at this time or only every other day". There are no guidelines and there is so much to do in a day. And frankly sometimes I'm just too tired.

Crazy comes from wanting to get things right, but not really knowing what right is. Not just in theory. Relativism has invaded our society on Every level of thinking. But there is truth out there. Not just truth from her perspective and truth from his perspective and from their perspective. Real truth. I don't have the confidence or practice yet to identify Real truth all the time. Someone I talk to about life will raise all these questions or criticisms and I don't always know how to defend myself. Or I will feel so compelled that something Is truth, and nobody else around me seems to know it. Or even worse, They or I don't really want it to be true. I'll find myself wishing that it was not Real truth so that my course of action would be Easier.

Are there any times that you Don't feel crazy? What do those days look like?

That's funny. The days I feel least crazy are the days I say "F" it. I'm going to do what I'm going to do. I embrace the crazy and do exactly what I think God is asking me to do, and I don't care what anyone is going to say. I push. As hard as I possibly can. It almost never feels good while I'm doing it. Yet after I WORK my BUTT OFF, there is "fruit".

It's those days when I get feedback from older Catholics adults. Even my older daughter will repeat a phrase or prayer or something we've experienced, and I just get overcome with goosebumps. There is a wave of spiritual energy that brings joy. Then I sleep the best because I've literally given everything of myself.

So you mean to tell me that when you jump in, that's when you find joy?

Yeah, I guess so.

Do you think God smiles down on you on those days?

Yes, probably. But those days are so few and far between. I get so wiped out because I have to be So Intentional to counter my bad habits and negative thinking. I have such bad patterns it's hard to act differently.

Maybe we should save bad habits and patterns for the next time. For now, let's end here. Why don't you picture your Heavenly Father smiling down on you for being here right now. For listening to him. For wanting to change. There are not a lot of people out there willing to go through a conversion for God. Your Father is pleased with You. He said it would be Good, He didn't say it would be Easy.

First Fruits

So last time we spoke you seemed so sure of yourself with the Pro-Life ideal.  It sounds like you have a strong opinion about your faith and religion.

Yes, I do feel like I have a handle on the Theology. Especially when it comes to what the Catholic church teaches and why. I love the church so much, and find that there is so much wisdom in all of those "t" traditions and "T" Traditions. "t" being those things we do outside of the church of our own design to connect with God, and "T" being sacred traditions that Jesus taught the first apostles and have been passed down from them (ie Baptism). "T"s are those things that every Catholic church anywhere in the world is participating in. Those Sacraments are what I think kept the church alive after all this time. But if they are from Jesus, then that makes sense.

You say you have a handle on the theology, but if I remember correctly, you said are struggling because of all the new information you feel you are receiving from God. You said that you are overwhelmed and feeling anxiety. Can you elaborate?

I think since I left college, I've been studying the church and really trying to decide if I was "in". I did "the research" and have grown in my faith enough to know that there is a God and that if there is any Religion out there that has the most truths about who this God is, it's the Catholics. They seem to understand, in depth, human nature/behavior and how it all ties into God's plans.

I am so grateful for the doctrines, but where I am struggling is the implementation. I know academically, or theoretically what I should do, but I can't seem to find a model or a technique to get myself to that next level. It's so hard because I keep getting referred back to the lives of the Saints, and as much as I agree with asking for their help and them to model, I need someone Here and Now. Someone who I can go for a walk with or invite over for dinner so our families can be together. Someone who can teach me how to have wholesome Fun. Let's face it, I know how to have FUN, but would God approve? (lol) This is my issue. This is where the Catholic church struggles. I see some great things happening in other Christian churches and sometimes get jealous, but as alluring as they are, they don't preach the truth in its whole form.

I feel like God has told me things like: go to daily mass, read the liturgy of the hours, pray the rosary, go to confession, serve others in these 50 thousand ways, eat healthy, treat your body with respect, do natural family planning, garden, help at the church, be financially free, sleep, cook from scratch and my least favorite...Homeschool (yuck!). What?! When? How? Who even does all this Really? Show me a Mommy who does all these things, consistently! I can't fit any/all of that into my daily life. It's Too much! I can't even get my older daughter dressed and ready for the day. I already feel like a ping-pong ball bouncing between my two girls. And seriously, if I did all those things, when would I have a break? I already feel completely drained by the early afternoon. 4 or 5pm almost every night I'm breaking down in tears because I can't push myself to do more. And nothing feels done Ever. *deep breath*

Wow! That is a lot that God is asking of you. 

In my pursuit of Holiness, I feel like a Crazy Person. I know that God will guide. I know that I have to pray. But I'll wake up in the morning with all this fire to listen and obey, then at the end of my day realize that fire only lasted like 5 minutes because the Distractions and Life stuff happened. I have to take care of my girls. I have to clean up the house. I have to cook. Then there's the dog. Then a potty accident. Then I'm fighting the girls because they won't take a nap. Then dinner didn't turn out the way I expected. Then my husband comes home, and he looks like he had a rough day. Let's not even go into the fact that I am an introvert and have to be around people, clingy, touchy feely, attention-seeking people ALL DAY LONG. Those things Must be taken care of. When would I even have time to add all those Catholic "t" and "T" traditions too?

I'm sorry that I can't give you the answers to your questions. I truly wish I could do that for you. It sounds like you have given so much of yourself to your family and a lot of your time thinking about ways to include these traditions that you have shared with me so far. I can tell how much you care. You may have done this already, but have you asked God for a model or at least for some relief?

Yes, I have asked already. Especially now that he's been "dumping" all these new things on me. I pray for that reset. It's already tough to be a new mommy and now He's asking me to be a Real Catholic. I want so badly for this to be easier so I can Know that He is smiling down and not just totally frustrated and disappointed.

I am hearing that God's opinion matters in your life. Out of 7 days, how many of them is God smiling down on you?

Whole days? None. Especially more recently.

I didn't learn to have patience, or pray throughout the day, or go to daily mass, or even to apologize Really apologize when I make a mistake. These things are So Hard to make a routine when here I am in the midst of life. I find myself saying "why didn't anyone teach me how to..."or "if I were living on my own without kids or a husband, I'd have more time and energy to practice..." I'll make a vow to be gentle with my daughter throughout the day, and at the end of the day I'll think about all the times I failed miserably. And then laugh-cry at how many opportunities I actually had. I feel so behind the curve. I feel like I suck at life. Most of the time I get sad about it, but sometimes I just get so Angry. I hate that I've been taking it out on my family, the people that I'm trying to be Holy for!

Do you think that God knows you are trying your best? Do you believe that he could be smiling down in those moments you resolve to notice your actions?

It is comforting to know that He is watching as I am trying to change. I know that His love is unconditional, even if I don't really understand unconditional. My issue is that I feel like He's still saying, "prove it." "Go big." "Keep pushing." And I hate coming up short. I'm letting go of perfection because only God is perfect and he doesn't demand perfection of me. Perfect exists only in Heaven. We here on Earth can only experience the "first fruits", but cannot fully experience the Best until we are in Heaven where sin and evil do not exist. The fruit that ripens on the tree/plant First is good, but later in the harvest the fruit actually tastes better, for whatever reason. I'm upset with myself because I don't see any of the first fruits yet. I feel like I'm just waiting for evidence that what I am doing is going to produce results. Not only that, but I feel like other people already have their fruit in hand. In abundance. And they didn't have to wait as long either!

What does a Holy person even look like in modern America? I know that God has a special plan for each of us, but let's be real about this, there's got to be an "average Joe" model. This my issue with turning to the lives of Saints. Most of them were consecrated/part of religious order and not married with children. They lived with no media and without all the opportunities that we experience in our culture. I want to see someone who looks like me, but doing it right. I need a baseline. What works to tune everything out and tune into God? How do I keep God at the center?

More and more questions. Find an answer and 10 more questions pop up. And once again my head is spinning.

Why don't we stop here for now. Before you go home today, why don't you take a walk or sit on the bench outside next to our fountain or something else that may help you feel close to God. Imagine Him smiling down on you because as you said, He loves you unconditionally. You have done a lot of thinking and analyzing today, and I don't want to send you home with your head spinning. Find something that helps you feel ready to take on your responsibilities. Thank you for sharing all that you have.