Now normally I agree with my husband who said, "Honey, it's Sunday, let's go to church." I couldn't. I was not public-capable. If anyone came up to me before or after church and asked me how our little family was doing, I didn't even want to think about how I would've reacted. The crazy would've found a way out somehow.
I felt this tug. This overwhelming need. Yes, Need. I needed to be out in the garden weeding. I needed to tend to my little plants. All I could picture, all could fathom was being out there with my shovel messing up some damn weeds. I knew the ache and the soreness that would follow. I knew the overwhelming drowsiness that would wash over me once I returned to my work in our family routine (dinner prep, dinner, dinner clean, bathtime, prayer time, go to sleep already! time). How hard it would be to muster enough energy to actually be nice to them after giving so much of myself to the garden. But I Had to.
It was there where I found Him. My body was working. My brain was turned off. I was alone. Except for the breeze. Then I heard the dirt. I heard the chirping of the crickets. I heard my breath. I heard life happening. Some of it happening bigger than me, while some of it was smaller than me. It was happening regardless. To me, because of me, around me, everywhere, regardless of me. Life was happening because of God. I was just one drop in the river of life. I flowed and followed the course with the rest of life, in my little corner of the world. It wasn't until I surrendered and flowed with life that I found peace. I had to let go of my own expectations and stipulations about what life is. My perspective doesn't matter in that way. What matters is what God intends life to be. We can either find the rhythm or we can continue feeling completely and utterly out of sync. I gave up myself so I could participate in the river of life. Which is where I found myself. The self that God intended me to be. To cope the way I was meant to cope. To love the way I was meant to love. To forgive the way I was meant to forgive. And to endure.
To endure because of God. To endure regardless of my situation.