Too much, Too hard, Too different

So the question was, how do you know it's God talking to you?

I know it's God, mostly by the way it feels. There is this energy that stirs in me and it's not just my body's energy. It comes and goes so quickly and so intensely that when it's "gone" I actually feel a little empty even dead in some ways. Also, some of the thoughts or visions I have don't feel anything like dreams. A lot of the time these thoughts are so inspiring or I can picture myself doing these things, but yet when I try to start the first step, I have absolutely no idea how to move because I have no experience whatsoever with the actions that I am considering.

This is where my anxiety or my confusion comes into play. What do I do with this conversion? I asked God for this, in fact it was my New Year's Resolution. To be all in. To BE a Christian, really. But I feel like a crazy person. He is responding, but it's too much information. Because I know the source, I feel like I need to respond. But again, it's TOO much. It's TOO hard. TOO different. I've been asking people around me that I know who seem to "get it" and have been totally disappointed with their responses. I keep hearing them talk about their lives and it's Too Easy. My life is not that easy. They have absolutely No concept how hard life feels for me right now. And God keeps reminding me, "I said it would be Good, I didn't say it would be Easy."

So what you are saying is that God is calling you to a life that you are not yet living because you don't know how to take the first step, or that what you think is the first step seems too hard. Is that right?

Yes. I would say you've got it. Everyone seems to have their act together and I feel like this big fat loser that can't get anything right. Yet, I know it's a facade. God is calling me to live So differently that the people around me must be lying even just a little. If not to me, maybe to themselves.

What makes you think that others are lying to you or to themselves?

Well, like I said, I feel like God is asking me to live a life that is so counter-culture, but I can't possibly be the only one he's calling. I would think that my conversion and a new lifestyle wouldn't feel so hard if everyone else was called and making the choices that reflected God's will too. For example, the Catholic church promotes the idea of God being Pro-Life. Which makes total and complete sense because God Loves Us. He Loves Life. He is the Creator and creating is sort of His deal right? In fact, in the beginning, he didn't want us to Die, and even told us how to "cheat" death if you will. Well why are so many Catholics and other Christians on birth control and/or having abortions? So we set up this idea that God is Pro-Life, yet we just cannot wrap our minds around the idea that HE should be in control of it, because that would make us well, Not in control. We would have to give up certain behaviors. Some would call it a freedom. A freedom of choice. We would have to choose to see sex as something completely different. We would have to choose to treat each other differently. We would have to choose to be married and yet Not have sex anytime the mood struck. To choose to not have it on a regular basis unless we were prepared for the potential to create life, which biologically and spiritually speaking, is what sex is for. Because it feels good and is a pleasurable experience, we desire it. But I think it's even more than just pleasurable. It is what God does, creates. That spiritually creative power is what we all get a kick out of. The opportunity to participate in Holiness.

I'm not currently on birth control and it's a huge mental shift from where I used to be on this spectrum. But it's so hard because while I am putting in every effort to watch and track my cycle, and having to battle with my husband at times over our sexual contact, I recently heard that a non-denomination Christian pastor told couples on a retreat to have sex for 7 days in a row to in a sense, reset their marriage. What am I supposed to say to my enthusiastic husband, because I just had a baby and don't have a cycle yet. What am I supposed to say? I'm not just a big weirdo who doesn't want to have sex. I'm afraid to put my body through another pregnancy so soon, especially after 2 miscarriages. Love kids, can't say I love pregnancy. *deep breath* Where are the others like me? There's got to be someone out there that hears God saying, LISTEN ALREADY! Everything counts. Everything matters.

But people don't listen. They act like what they do to their bodies doesn't matter. But what they do with their own bodies in their own bedroom on their own time Does have an effect on others. Especially if they talk about it. Especially if they give me this crazy look when I explain that I am not using birth control. or condoms. or the pull-out method. Somewhere in the future, I hope that my choices affect them, because their choices are surely affecting me.

People lie. They say it doesn't matter, but I'm learning that it does. I've been there before, and I didn't know what choice I was making. Something didn't give me peace, yet I didn't ask and didn't research because I really didn't want to change, even if I was doing something wrong. I chose to keep on doing what I wanted to do without worrying about the consequences. There were too many distractions. I never really thought about my actions and how they did or did not affect me. But it does matter. Everything counts. Everything matters.

Wow. You really got going on that one. How does it feel now that you were able to get it all out?

It feels like the truth. Doesn't make it any easier, but I know it's from God.

The Counselor

So what brings you into therapy today?

Well, God's been talking to me a lot lately. A couple of times a week at like 4:30am. And I'm having a hard time because all of the things that he's trying to bring to my attention. It's just overwhelming. He's calling me to do all these things that I've never done before, and I've never seen anyone do. I have so much research to do and every time I do some, it leads to More questions, More challenges, More crazy overwhelming feelings.

Has this ever happened to you before? "God" talking to you in this way?

It happened Maybe once a month before. Now it's a couple of times a week, AND it's SO MUCH to process. He just goes on and on about things I need to change and do and people to help. Most of the time it's little half thoughts while I'm in and out of sleep, and if I don't focus and Try to remember, it's gone by the time I get up. Forgetting makes me so deeply saddened because I mean this is God we're talking about. But then again, if it were just one thing resounding in my mind, maybe I'd be able to focus a little better ya know.

How do you know it's God talking?

Hmmmm. I'm going to have to get back you on that one. I'm not sure. Could it just be my own crazy brain?

Why Blog?

So my little family and I were supposed to go to the park today and spend time with other Catholic families from the area. I am so Disappointed. Joey is teething. Bella seems feverish. Annie is sneezing and congested and a big PIA.

Don't my kids know I am an introvert and plan my outings according to my need for people/alone time?! *deep breath* Now I'm stuck in the house with them with this "extra" energy that I saved for being at a park with 3 kids and other families with kids. This is so typical, it's annoying.

Don't they realize that mommy needs to see other adults because after awhile I'm about to BURST with all these adult thoughts and ideas? I laugh at myself because an adult will ask me a simple question, a truly Simple question, and I just talk and talk and talk and talk because I have been WAITING to share my thoughts and ideas about life. lol. Some of you may read this and say Teresa, you've always been this way. Well I'm telling you, it's worse now! I have to do all this baby talk, and simple language All Day Long. I'm a thinker. I've got some ideas to tinker with and share!

Which brings me to the point of this Blog. I'm Catholic. I have kids that I will homeschool for a couple of years who will be home with me Most of the time. I am an introvert, who has little people attached to me Most of the time. I workout and try to maintain a healthy food regime (I am not on a "Diet"). And I'm searching to find Peace and Happiness in a world that tries to sell it in every shape and form, but actually is the opposite Most of the time. I'm trying to keep my life simple, and I'm realizing that life just Isn't simple. Especially when I am going against the grain. When I am actively Trying to listen to God and He tells me to be different. Not just a shade different. Like actually, stand out uncomfortably different.

It's okay God. I'll jump. If there is anyone to jump for, it's You God.

The Call

It's 4:30am and God is calling me Again. I want so badly to have Peace in my day, so I need to keep on sleeping right? Wrong! God keeps calling. He knows I heard Him the first time "Get up. Stretch. Read the Liturgy of the Hours. Work on your Blog. Reserve the hotel. etc etc etc etc etc etc etc etc etc etc etc." I kid you not, that many etc!

Here I am Lord. I will do your will Today. It's almost 6am and as I jokingly say to my husband sometimes...I AM PEACE. My mind has calmed. My body is warmed up. I am *almost* ready for the day to begin. Thank You God for calling me so early. Thank You God for answering My Prayer to bring Peace into my life. Thank You God this chance to show you Thanks instead of just saying it.