Friday, July 25, 2014

Too much, Too hard, Too different

So the question was, how do you know it's God talking to you?

I know it's God, mostly by the way it feels. There is this energy that stirs in me and it's not just my body's energy. It comes and goes so quickly and so intensely that when it's "gone" I actually feel a little empty even dead in some ways. Also, some of the thoughts or visions I have don't feel anything like dreams. A lot of the time these thoughts are so inspiring or I can picture myself doing these things, but yet when I try to start the first step, I have absolutely no idea how to move because I have no experience whatsoever with the actions that I am considering.

This is where my anxiety or my confusion comes into play. What do I do with this conversion? I asked God for this, in fact it was my New Year's Resolution. To be all in. To BE a Christian, really. But I feel like a crazy person. He is responding, but it's too much information. Because I know the source, I feel like I need to respond. But again, it's TOO much. It's TOO hard. TOO different. I've been asking people around me that I know who seem to "get it" and have been totally disappointed with their responses. I keep hearing them talk about their lives and it's Too Easy. My life is not that easy. They have absolutely No concept how hard life feels for me right now. And God keeps reminding me, "I said it would be Good, I didn't say it would be Easy."

So what you are saying is that God is calling you to a life that you are not yet living because you don't know how to take the first step, or that what you think is the first step seems too hard. Is that right?

Yes. I would say you've got it. Everyone seems to have their act together and I feel like this big fat loser that can't get anything right. Yet, I know it's a facade. God is calling me to live So differently that the people around me must be lying even just a little. If not to me, maybe to themselves.

What makes you think that others are lying to you or to themselves?

Well, like I said, I feel like God is asking me to live a life that is so counter-culture, but I can't possibly be the only one he's calling. I would think that my conversion and a new lifestyle wouldn't feel so hard if everyone else was called and making the choices that reflected God's will too. For example, the Catholic church promotes the idea of God being Pro-Life. Which makes total and complete sense because God Loves Us. He Loves Life. He is the Creator and creating is sort of His deal right? In fact, in the beginning, he didn't want us to Die, and even told us how to "cheat" death if you will. Well why are so many Catholics and other Christians on birth control and/or having abortions? So we set up this idea that God is Pro-Life, yet we just cannot wrap our minds around the idea that HE should be in control of it, because that would make us well, Not in control. We would have to give up certain behaviors. Some would call it a freedom. A freedom of choice. We would have to choose to see sex as something completely different. We would have to choose to treat each other differently. We would have to choose to be married and yet Not have sex anytime the mood struck. To choose to not have it on a regular basis unless we were prepared for the potential to create life, which biologically and spiritually speaking, is what sex is for. Because it feels good and is a pleasurable experience, we desire it. But I think it's even more than just pleasurable. It is what God does, creates. That spiritually creative power is what we all get a kick out of. The opportunity to participate in Holiness.

I'm not currently on birth control and it's a huge mental shift from where I used to be on this spectrum. But it's so hard because while I am putting in every effort to watch and track my cycle, and having to battle with my husband at times over our sexual contact, I recently heard that a non-denomination Christian pastor told couples on a retreat to have sex for 7 days in a row to in a sense, reset their marriage. What am I supposed to say to my enthusiastic husband, because I just had a baby and don't have a cycle yet. What am I supposed to say? I'm not just a big weirdo who doesn't want to have sex. I'm afraid to put my body through another pregnancy so soon, especially after 2 miscarriages. Love kids, can't say I love pregnancy. *deep breath* Where are the others like me? There's got to be someone out there that hears God saying, LISTEN ALREADY! Everything counts. Everything matters.

But people don't listen. They act like what they do to their bodies doesn't matter. But what they do with their own bodies in their own bedroom on their own time Does have an effect on others. Especially if they talk about it. Especially if they give me this crazy look when I explain that I am not using birth control. or condoms. or the pull-out method. Somewhere in the future, I hope that my choices affect them, because their choices are surely affecting me.

People lie. They say it doesn't matter, but I'm learning that it does. I've been there before, and I didn't know what choice I was making. Something didn't give me peace, yet I didn't ask and didn't research because I really didn't want to change, even if I was doing something wrong. I chose to keep on doing what I wanted to do without worrying about the consequences. There were too many distractions. I never really thought about my actions and how they did or did not affect me. But it does matter. Everything counts. Everything matters.

Wow. You really got going on that one. How does it feel now that you were able to get it all out?

It feels like the truth. Doesn't make it any easier, but I know it's from God.

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